I’m at the end of two weeks of ‘just about managing’. So I thought I’d share some of it with you.
To be honest, my motives are also somewhat selfish. My rose-tinted brain has a knack of forgetting these moments so I want to be able to refer back and remind myself to stop doing the same bad things over and over again.
It’s also an ode to my friend and work colleague Katie who does the most brilliant ‘told you so’ face when I start telling her that I’ve not been looking after myself properly.
And it’s all rooted in a cycle I can’t seem to break where, once I’m having a good spell by – for example – doing two days of work spread across a week – I then take on a bit more. And a bit more. And a bit more. Oh I can see Katie’s expression in my mind!
This past few weeks I’ve done my usual couple of shifts a week with ITV News, which I truly love. There’s little more thrilling than reporting on the day’s top news story, filming and editing my report and doing a live link or interview on location. This past few weeks I’ve covered a heartbreaking child abuse story, the suspension of a senior politician, Brexit (of course) and the amazing story of an 80 year old woman who took on 80 daredevil challenges. Life is varied.
In between I’ve been doing a bit of private writing work, recorded a couple of podcasts, penned by column for the local newspaper and presented the breakfast on the local radio station when the usual host fell ill.
Even writing that last paragraph has given me all the clues I need about taking on too much.
My blurry edge of field of vision, ringing or totally blocked hearing, stabbing pain from my head down to my feet and general brain fog that regular left me grappling for the right word was all far more pronounced than usual. Indeed there were two days this week where the pain was so severe I couldn’t even lie down at night as the touch of the mattress and bedding on my body became so unbearable.
Yet, like so many people with ME that I’ve spoken to, aside of in front of my ever-patient husband, I kept my game face on for everybody else.
Why do we do that?
I think it’s for my own sake – to attempt to feel fine by appearing fine, but also to avoid being a burden or drag to anybody else. But on the flip side, when I get frustrated that other people don’t ‘get’ what it’s like, I can hardly blame them if I, effectively, hide it.
The joys and contradictions of this thing!
Anyway, I’ve written it out now. I’ve also pulled back on my work schedule for the next month. I’m still doing stuff, just what should be a better amount of it.
Here’s hoping I come back to re-read this from time to time. And here’s hoping poor Katie doesn’t have to pull ‘that’ face any time soon.
(Thank you for reading my latest post. I’d be so so grateful if you felt able to share it on your own social media channels to help spread the word. x)